So much to learn...

I have a confession to make.

 

I am a serious fan of Gilmore Girls. I'm talking dedicated viewer for all 7 seasons, owner of all 7 seasons on DVD, and frequent marathon viewer of said DVDs.

I can't help but absorb myself in the witty banter and references I have yet to fully understand thanks to my lack of film and literature knowledge. The show actually inspires me to visit a local bookstore and begin buffing up on such references and vocabulary.

There's just something about the story line that really draws me in. Why am I rambling on and on about this beloved show, you ask? I suppose I'm rambling due to the show's ability to inspire me. (Don't laugh too hard at the thought of this TV show inspiring me.)

Call me crazy, but, my years spent in an elementary classroom have left me feeling as though I now have "elementary brain." I find myself missing literature and... dare I say... studying. Yes I, the girl who was BEYOND ready to be finished with school (ironic considering my choice in profession), have begun feeling the itch to go back. Now, I could find myself wanting to eat these very words tomorrow... but for the time being, I'm actually tossing the idea around in my head. 

I just want to feel well educated. The typical phrase for most teachers is that we consider ourselves to be "lifelong learners." I suppose I really do just want to live up to that. As mentioned in my previous post, I've always loved English whether it was the study of literature or the time spent writing. I'm wondering if that jump to middle school or high school really could be my next step. I'm kind of excited at the prospect of change. I take that back, I'm very excited at the thought of change.

I've got several months to pray, and potentially study for the good 'ole Praxis. In the meantime I'll continue to enjoy my Gilmore Girls marathons and all the dreams that this dear show brings about in me.

let go...

*Warning: this is a lengthy spill-it-all kind of post.*

I just want to expose my heart, and not worry about who will or won't read this or worry about their opinions for that matter. The new school year has started. My goals are proving to be very difficult again this year. I have set out to rely on God for patience and the positive energy needed to really touch my kiddos' hearts and get them excited about learning. Sadly, the negativity that surrounds me in my building and district along with the outrageous demands they continue to place on us have made it a struggle, even in week 2.

These past few years have been very trying for me. I took on a position that has left me stressed, anxious, and emotionally exhausted almost daily. Yes, teaching itself is a very difficult job (I was well aware when I signed up for the gig) but the district I chose to work for has really taken the heart out of teaching. I'm still battling doubts of teaching altogether, but I know I was given this passion for a reason. I know God has a plan for my skills and my love for children. 

The reality that He is placing in my heart and on my mind is that I am wasting precious moments, precious breaths; this one precious life on to-do lists, lesson plans, lesson plan preparation, and to sum it all up--- STRESS. I am once again reminded of Francis Chan's Crazy Love and the painful truth that I am basically saying God is not enough- that He is not big enough to provide for me and guide me through this job. A wise, beautiful woman once told me that God is the ultimate of all careers and professions. He is the ultimate teacher and everything I need to reach those children is in His hands. I just have to ask for the guidance and lay these worries at his feet. A fellow blogger posted a great printable that said something along the lines of, "I can do anything. I can't do everything." God is reminding me of this. I can only do so much.

I was always the girl who knew what she wanted. My friends always knew I would become a teacher. I run into acquaintances from high school and they never fail to say, "I always knew you would be a teacher." The problem isn't that I don't want to teach. (Although, as previously stated, the disheartening nature of my job has left me curious about my abilities in the field). The issue is that I am left wondering where I can best meet the needs of kids while also enjoying them, the art of teaching, and my life outside of work. I have tossed around the idea, for a year or so now, of possibly moving upward into secondary education. I have always had a passion for writing and English. This, of course, was ignited by an amazing teacher and mentor from high school. I just don't know. I don't know where He wants me. I am trying to listen and seek his direction for my life.

I'm learning that it is OK to be unsure... it is OK to admit that I am unhappy in my current position. There is no shame in possibly needing to venture outside of the elementary walls. I have always worried about judgment from others. I have always worried about letting everyone down or not measuring up. I can no longer live that way. The only expectations I should worry about living up to are God's.

I apologize for the lengthy post, if you made it down this far. Sometimes you just need to clear your mind and clear your heart in order to continue on (and in order to find rest). Prayers are welcome as I continue this journey. I do love my students, I just pray I can do them justice while fighting the demands of my district.

Here's to living this life to His glory, and remembering that all this stress won't have an effect on my eternity.

Sweet summertime...

One week in and I'm already so thankful for the rest and joy I've encountered on this break. My sweet niece has made life far more beautiful than I could imagine and I am awestruck by her sweet giggle, smile, and those hugs that truly snatch the breath from your chest.

Her mother, my beautiful sister and dearest friend, teaches me daily what it means to be a real woman in this world. I am so grateful for the time spent curled up in her cozy home just laughing, talking, and even learning how to bake. :)

I truly love all things simple. Some of the best times I have are spent at my siblings' home eating pizza, sharing stories, and just being real. I have a great family. I don't pretend to not have my moments with them, of course. We are all flawed. I'm just so thankful for their love and forgiveness.

The Lord has instilled a passion in me to clean up and clean out my life. I am working to strengthen my faith and perspective of God through time in the word, book studies, and fellowship. This summer is a wonderful opportunity to devote time to rearranging my priorities. I am learning daily to release the control I try so hard to have. His plans are the only plans worth pursuing... even when I am unaware of what those plans may lead to.

I have a summer bucket list going and I am looking forward to crossing off some (if not all) the items before beginning the surge into a new school year. I'm ready to take on year 3 with a new attitude.

This blog has been neglected, but I hope to better utilize it in the coming months. I hope you all are having a wonderful summer and remember to slow down once in awhile. It's crazy how much we miss seeing when we are in such a hurry to live.