let go...

*Warning: this is a lengthy spill-it-all kind of post.*

I just want to expose my heart, and not worry about who will or won't read this or worry about their opinions for that matter. The new school year has started. My goals are proving to be very difficult again this year. I have set out to rely on God for patience and the positive energy needed to really touch my kiddos' hearts and get them excited about learning. Sadly, the negativity that surrounds me in my building and district along with the outrageous demands they continue to place on us have made it a struggle, even in week 2.

These past few years have been very trying for me. I took on a position that has left me stressed, anxious, and emotionally exhausted almost daily. Yes, teaching itself is a very difficult job (I was well aware when I signed up for the gig) but the district I chose to work for has really taken the heart out of teaching. I'm still battling doubts of teaching altogether, but I know I was given this passion for a reason. I know God has a plan for my skills and my love for children. 

The reality that He is placing in my heart and on my mind is that I am wasting precious moments, precious breaths; this one precious life on to-do lists, lesson plans, lesson plan preparation, and to sum it all up--- STRESS. I am once again reminded of Francis Chan's Crazy Love and the painful truth that I am basically saying God is not enough- that He is not big enough to provide for me and guide me through this job. A wise, beautiful woman once told me that God is the ultimate of all careers and professions. He is the ultimate teacher and everything I need to reach those children is in His hands. I just have to ask for the guidance and lay these worries at his feet. A fellow blogger posted a great printable that said something along the lines of, "I can do anything. I can't do everything." God is reminding me of this. I can only do so much.

I was always the girl who knew what she wanted. My friends always knew I would become a teacher. I run into acquaintances from high school and they never fail to say, "I always knew you would be a teacher." The problem isn't that I don't want to teach. (Although, as previously stated, the disheartening nature of my job has left me curious about my abilities in the field). The issue is that I am left wondering where I can best meet the needs of kids while also enjoying them, the art of teaching, and my life outside of work. I have tossed around the idea, for a year or so now, of possibly moving upward into secondary education. I have always had a passion for writing and English. This, of course, was ignited by an amazing teacher and mentor from high school. I just don't know. I don't know where He wants me. I am trying to listen and seek his direction for my life.

I'm learning that it is OK to be unsure... it is OK to admit that I am unhappy in my current position. There is no shame in possibly needing to venture outside of the elementary walls. I have always worried about judgment from others. I have always worried about letting everyone down or not measuring up. I can no longer live that way. The only expectations I should worry about living up to are God's.

I apologize for the lengthy post, if you made it down this far. Sometimes you just need to clear your mind and clear your heart in order to continue on (and in order to find rest). Prayers are welcome as I continue this journey. I do love my students, I just pray I can do them justice while fighting the demands of my district.

Here's to living this life to His glory, and remembering that all this stress won't have an effect on my eternity.